DANIEL SCRUGGS

Chicago, IL
Print journalism Major

Choices

"Joey!"

When I heard Kate Williams call my name over the din of the

Ravenswood High School hallway outside the biology lab, two options ran through my mind. Confront her about that article of hers in the school paper or pretend I didn't hear her and walk away. I opted for the latter.

"Joey!"

God, her voice is so grating and irritating and loud.

Ugghh. Is this the same girl who had been my friend since seventh grade?

"Joey goddamnit!" Kate called again, as if

goddamnit was my last name and not Scripiano.

"I know you can hear me!"

I heard her combat boots squeak against the dirty linoleum floor. "JOEY! Wait up!"

I stopped and sighed. I mean really, what's the point? I turned around and looked at Kate. Everything about her was loud.

Her voice. Her tangled mass of black curls. Her silver eye shadow and red lips. Her purple Blues Brothers shirt and yellow paisley skirt. That loudness used to be what I liked about her. Now it was

infuriating. "What do you want Kate?" I asked in my most

menacing voice.

"I want to talk to you, Joey." Kate said, talking as low as she could which was still quite loud.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes there is, Joey and you know it."

I ran my right hand roughly through my long black hair and exhaled sharply.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Fine. Just listen to me then, OK?"

I should've just walked away when she said that. Anyone with the common sense God gave a dog would have. Instead, I stayed rooted in my spot, right in front of the schools cluttered trophy case.

"Look Joey," Kate sighed.

"I didn't write that article to look like I have a vendetta against you or whatever. I like you. We've been best friends for, like, five years. You're more than a friend to me. You're really more like the brother I never had."

Put that shit on a Hallmark card, I thought. I wanted to say it out loud but I kept my cool and let her stammer on.

"Joey I wrote that article because I care about you. Look, you told me that you use coke and I freaked out. I got scared for you! I mean damn it!" Kate ran her hands through her wild hair.

"What the hell was I supposed to do? Huh? Keep it all off the record? Never tell anyone? Let you destroy yourself? Joey I---"

"Oh, cut the crap you fucking drama queen!"

I yelled out cutting off whatever other bullshit she was about spout out. She told to save me? She needs to give me some kind of credit. I looked up and realized that everyone had stopped whatever they were doing and hanging on to all of our words. I grabbed Kate's pale forearm and led her to the men's room. I scowled at Kate but she had that familiar I'm-not-backing-down / I'm-waiting-for-you-to-crack look on her face.

"Look, Kate, you ruined my life. OK? Period. And don't even give me that crap about you trying to save me. If you were really trying to save my ass you wouldn't have put all my business out in the school paper! You wouldn't have tried to fucking exploit me and fucking ruin my fucking life!"

Whoa she really had me going. I hardly ever curse but now those were the only words that I could get out of my mouth.

"Joey, you gotta listen to me-"

"Shut up! I screamed. Just SHUT UP! You're so damn selfish! God, Kate! Don't you see? My life is ruined! I needed that swimming scholarship to go to college! Not everyone has enough money to go to college without a scholarship! You know that my family doesn't have a lot of money! You know that that story is gonna ruin my chances of ever getting into college! You know that! You knew it while you were typing up that story too! But you did it anyway! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Huh?! We were supposed to be friends, Kate! What the fuck? Now I'm gonna end up like-"

Like my father I thought, cutting myself off. I turned away from Kate and gripped the hard porcelain edges of the sink in front of me. That was my real fear. Ending up like my father. I love him, don't get me wrong, but he's a loser. High school dropout, works at a dingy auto parts factory, and barely makes enough to take care of me, my mom, and Ana, my 13-year-old cousin. We took in Ana when she was eight after my aunt, my father's sister, beat her into a coma that lasted a week. Ana's lucky to be alive right now. She refuses to talk about her mother and I don't blame her.

Anyway, I was like the great white hope. I'd be the first in my family to go to college, get a successful job and get us out of this little hellhole of a town. Now that's all down the toilet. This is what I get for trusting people. I thought I could tell Kate anything, considering we've known each other since we were 12. So I told her about the cocaine. It's not even like I'm an addict or a fiend or anything like that. This guy, some football player named Jack or Jake or John, introduced me to it at a party last year. Said it would help me get my mind off my troubles. And it did. When that white powder rushed up my nose and seemingly right into my brain, it was damn near orgasmic. Then I relaxed. I felt like I was floating, like nothing or no one could ever touch me. The world just seemed like a better place when I was on coke. And so occasionally I take a few hits and just relax. A couple of times a week. That doesn't make me a junkie. I only use it when I feel tense. It's not like I have a raging 500-gram-a-day habit like Kate made it seem. That's laughable. I can' t even afford that much coke.

"Joey?" Kate walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "Don't touch me," I said through gritted teeth.

"Sorry."

I looked at Kate in the mirror. For the first time in all the years I'd known her, she had tears in her wide hazel eyes.

She looked so vulnerable.

Joey, what don't you want to end up like? Kate said softly. Another first. She wasn't loud. I'm starting to worry.

"You wouldn't' t understand."

"Tell me."

"The last time I trusted you, you ruined my life."

Kate looked at my reflection in the mirror for a long time, tears still streaking down her face. Finally she spoke.

"You keep saying that I ruined your life. That

I'm the one keeping you from going to college. Well let me tell you something, Joseph Scripiano. You ruined your life.

You're the one who chose to snort cocaine, I didn't force you to do that. All I did was report the facts. That's it. I didn't make anything up. I didn't embellish anything. I told the truth. The truth is what ruined your life, not me."

And the Oscar for Best Bullshit Artist goes to....., I thought bitterly. I can't believe she's trying to pull this self-righteous crap with me of all people. I wanted to turn around and shake her back to reality. But when I turned around, she was gone.

After my fight with Kate I knew I couldn't handle the rest of my classes. I also knew I couldn't go home. My mom would be there; what would I look like being home at noon? I headed to the natatorium. It used to be my real home. My sanctuary. I sat on a diving block and stared at the placid blue water for a long while. I'm not sure for how long. Swimming was really the only thing that calmed me down besides the coke. Now it looked like I'd lose that along with everything else.

"Joey." I heard Olivia, my girlfriend of nearly two years call my name softly.

"Hey, Olivia." I smiled but it felt insincere even to me.

She sat on the diving block next to mine.

"Is it true? I---I read the paper at lunch and looked for you and I couldn't find you. I figured you be here at the pool."

By this time she was talking real fast and real low. She was also twirling an auburn dreadlock around her left index finger. She only did that when she was nervous.

"It's not true right? What Kate wrote in today's paper?"

I looked at Olivia's deep brown eyes, which were filled with concern, confusion and something else. Fear. Maybe she was afraid that what Kate had written really was true, that her boyfriend was on cocaine. Now I would have to confirm that fear. Oh dammit. I looked away from her and back to the water.

"It's not true right?"

I nodded and whispered, "I've used before. I still do.

Occasionally."

Olivia looked at me in disbelief, her mouth forming a wide O. After staring at me for ages she finally spoke in a hushed voice. "Oh Christ, Joey. What were you thinking?"

What had I been thinking? I just wanted to make the pain go away. Olivia knew about my financial situation and how I felt about my father. But I knew she would say something like if every

Black person took drugs when things got rough, the entire Black population would be cracked out. She felt that the two of suffered from different types of pain. There was no point in trying to explain how I felt.

"I'm sorry," was all I could think to say.

I looked at Olivia and saw that her eyes glistened with tears, making them look like two orbs of onyx.

"Why did you tell Kate and not me?"

"I didn't even plan on telling her. I didn't plan on telling anybody. One minute I was telling her about going all-state and the next minute, everything just spilled out and I told her about the coke and how it helped me at certain times. Next thing I know, everything I told her is in the paper. I've known her since I was 12.

I really didn't think she'd tell. I trusted her."

"You're disgusting," Olivia said with hatred so pure I thought I had imagined that she had said anything at all. But then she said it again. "You're disgusting."

"What? No, Olivia please---

"You're a doper," she continued. "So what if Kate told your dirty little secret? Did you really think you wouldn't get caught sooner or later? The truth always comes out, Joey. You know that. Your life is fucked and it isn't anyone else's fault but your own."

I felt like I might cry when she said that. I felt my eyes itch and my throat tighten. But no, I couldn't cry. What kind of a man cries? I forced the feeling to go away before I spoke.

"Olivia please. You don't understand! I'm not an addict. I'm not a fiend. I just take it when things get a little rough, that's it. You know what I have to go through."

"Don't expect me to feel sorry for you! Do you know what I have to go through being a Black woman in this town? In this whole damn country? You think life is rough for you? Try being Black for one day! Hell, try it for one hour! We don't go running toward some drugs every time life gets rough! Know why? Because life is always rough when you're not White and male. You need a fucking reality check, Joey. For real."

"Stop it! OK, Olivia? Just stop it! God, I can't stand you people! You act like you have a monopoly on pain! Like everyone else's suffering is irrelevant just because they aren't Black! This right here---" I tapped my milky colored cheek and pointed toward my green eyes---"Doesn't cancel out pain and suffering! My pain is just as bad as yours right now goddamnit! Probably worse!"

Olivia looked at me like I had just slapped her. Whoa. I went too far. Way too far. I could tell by the way she kept staring at me, as if she couldn't believe she had just heard what I said.

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Olivia. I didn't mean---"

"You're not sorry. You meant every word you said."

Olivia jumped up from the block and walked to leave the natatorium.

She turned when she reached the door and said, "It's best if we don't speak to each other any more." Then she left. That was the second time today a woman had walked out on me.

I stared at the still, chlorinated water of the pool for hours probably, in a damn near catatonic state. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Maybe I should just throw myself into the bottom of the pool and just stay there. That'd be a great headline. "Champion swimmer drowns to death." I chuckled to myself. "Joey."

I didn't turn around. I knew it was Kate and I just didn't have the patience to deal with her anymore.

"Joey," Kate said again. "Principal Saunders wants to see you. He wants to see both of us."

"Right now?"

"Right now."

"Tell him I'm busy"

"You know I can't do that."

"Oh, so you can tell the whole school I'm a fucking crack head but you can't tell the principal I don't want to see him right now. OK."

"Joey, don't start with me. Please don't. Not now. Just come with me."

I sighed and decided to follow her. If I stayed by myself, who knows what I would do?

As the two of us walked down the long, fluorescent-lit hallway down to the principal's office, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was on my way to a lethal injection. I kept expecting to hear someone yell out "dead man walking!" but that would have just been too much.

We had barely gotten in the door when Principal Saunders hissed,

"Sit. Both of you. Now." Like we were two little lapdogs.

But we obeyed all the same. Principal Saunders was a little runt of a man. At a mere 5 foot 6 inches, he stood a half-foot shorter than me. He had ash blond hair that was severely balding at the top and cold blue eyes that seemed incapable of anything other than contempt. He seemed like the type that was given hell as a kid so he made everyone else's life around him miserable to compensate.

"I read today's Ravenswood Times, you two. And although the writing was exquisite---"

God he was so patronizing.

"I must ask, what the hell is the meaning of this article? Ms. Giordano? Mr. Scripiano?"

I looked the little hate-filled man dead in the eye. I tried to think of a good lie but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I didn't have the energy. I didn't have the desire. I might as well just tell him I was using. If someone was going to put the final nail in the coffin, it might as well be me.

"I lied," Kate lied.

What?

"What?" Mr. Saunders screeched. "You made this entire story up?"

"Yes," Kate plowed along. "I don't know what came over me. I guess I got tired of the paper being ignored and I knew something like this would get people to pay attention to the paper. Joey's a good student and a great athlete. He doesn't do drugs. That's preposterous. I've known Joey a long time. He wouldn't do anything like this. Honestly. I'm sorry, Mr. Saunders." She looked at me. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through Joey."

"Well sorry doesn't cut it Ms. Giordano," Mr. Saunders sneered. He seemed downright gleeful to be able to rip Kate a new one. "You have committed slander of the most serious offense! You are a disgrace to the Ravenswood Times and to Ravenswood

High. Why, Mr. Scripiano could have charges pressed against you and the entire school! How dare you commit such a heinous offense? You will be suspended immediately! Two months! Out of school! And you are banned from the Ravenswood Times! You set foot near this school during that time and you will be expelled. I'm letting you off easy young woman. Now get out of my sight. You disgust me."

Kate nodded in agreement and quietly left the office without a fight.

I sat in my seat with my mouth wide open. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Here I am, using drugs, thinking my life is ruined and Kate steps in and lies for me. Two months' suspension?

With only three months left to go before graduation? Saunders might as well expel her. And how would she become a journalist when they heard about this article? Why do I care? Why did she even do that for me?

"Are you all right, Mr. Scripiano?" asked Mr. Saunders in a tone that let me know he couldn't care less either way.

"No. No I'm not. But don't worry. I won't press charges." I jumped out of my seat and went looking for Kate. I saw her at the bus stop in front of the school, looking completely defeated.

"Kate!" I ran up to her and stared at her, her hazel eyes full of grief. "Why? Why did you do that? It doesn't make any sense! You told me that you didn't do anything wrong and here you are accepting two months' suspension with graduation in three months....why? And why did you even start all this? I'm--I'm just not understanding all of this."

Kate sighed and tears began rolling down her cheeks. I wanted to brush them away but something held me back.

"I did what I did in there because...I needed to right a wrong. Somewhat."

"You're not making sense."

"I had no business even writing that story, Joey. You told me what you told me in complete confidence and I turned it into a front-page story. My editors thought I actually had gotten you to open up, that that was the purpose of the interview. But it wasn't.

All you wanted to do was just tell me about going all-state and then somehow the conversation turned toward....you know. And I took advantage of it. I used your pain, my best friend's pain, to get ahead. To get noticed finally. That's not what a good journalist does. Hell, that's not what a good human being does."

Kate sighed, and the tears streaked down her heart-shaped face even faster. "A month's suspension is the least of my worries right now, Joey. Honestly."

I didn't know what to say. One minute, I'm thinking my life is over and contemplating suicide. The next minute, everything's OK.

Well, relatively speaking. And Kate was the catalyst of it all. I definitely knew I wasn't going to thank her though. I think she realized that and kept talking.

"I want you to get help though, Joey. That's all I ask. You don't have to tell your folks, or anyone. Just get some help. Try to quit. For your sake. Please?"

I just looked at her. I wasn't sure if I would do what she was asking me to do and I didn't want to lie to her.

"I gotta go," I finally said. "Um, I need to clear my head about some things, Kate. Today's been kinda rough for me."

"I'm sorry." Kate whispered.

I stared at her sad face until I started to feel depressed myself.

"Me, too, Kate. Me too."

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